17
by keeponwritin
Summary: My only love sprung from my only hate. [Slash.]


[Disclaimer: I don't own Lizzie McGuire or Mandy Moore's song .   
  
Warning: Hey, kids, do you like SLASH? If for some reason you're still stuck in the the middle of the 20th century and homosexuality and/or bisexuality creeps you out, don't read my fic. Oh yeah, and get a CLUE! It's the 21st century, peoples. Oh, and I suppose a bit of a warning for, you know, one curse word.  
  
Enjoy!]  
  
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My only love sprung from my only hate.  
  
I still vividly remember the day in 8th grade English we read Act 1, Scene 5 of one of Shakespeare's most famous tragedies. Romeo and Juliet. One could never quite grasp how it felt to love someone you were destined to hate. And I, being the naive one I was, never thought it could happen to me. People I hated were few and far between, and most were girls. What chance was there that I, Lizzie McGuire, would fall in love with one of those horrid people?  
  
The chance was great, I guess. Because now, I have.  
  
_Some people tell me, that you're not my kind  
And I'd believe them, but I can't get you out of my mind  
Some people tell me that I should stay away  
Maybe I will... some other day  
  
_It started out so subtly. It never struck me odd that I looked at her and thought she looked . But before I knew it, the simple phrase of had turned into a full-blown crush. Soon, the harsh reality was before me: I am bisexual,' I said to my mirrored image. And I studied my face, my entire body. I had been seen my whole life as this object of perfection. I would grow up, graduate from college, marry a marvelous man, have 2 children and live happily ever after. But now, there could be no white picket fence. I was doomed to be ostracized by my entire family, all of my friends, and quite possibly the entire community for loving this one girl. And this was only half my problem. The other half: This one girl's name...was Kate Sanders.  
_  
'Cause it feels right  
And it feels good  
And I don't always do what I should  
And I know what makes me happy  
And in my heart you're it exactly  
  
_You must wonder: How could I ever love a girl so treacherous, a girl that caused me endless hours of grief and ignited the flame under the underlying insecurities in my junior high days? Even I don't understand it. Back then, I only felt a tinge of what I feel today. But since she began to redeem herself during the summer after 8th grade...that's when the feelings I'd tried to ignore came tumbling back to me. In fact, I don't recall ever feeling anything before she became popular in 7th grade. Then again, that was when I was a young, innocent naive little girl. If I had any thoughts of liking girls, I'd have immediately tucked them in the depths of my brain. But just a few years later, they resurfaced with a much greater intensity. That time, they weren't as easy to ignore. The feelings were too immense to be packed up and neatly set aside. Denial never works. I just had to face the facts: I am bisexual, and I love Kate Sanders.  
_  
I don't wanna do right, I just want you tonight  
Not just only in my dreams  
Save my best behavior, for a little later  
'Cause I'm only 17  
Think I made my mind up, I got time to grow up  
Face responsibility  
Livin' in the moment, keepin' my heart open  
While I'm only 17  
Only 17  
  
_That's not the type of thing you can get used to, not when everyone around you is assuring you your life will be a fairy tale. And at the time of Kate's redemption, I thought I had feelings for Gordo. I thought finally, with Gordo, my fairy tale could come true. But my feelings for Kate held strong roots, whereas my feelings for Gordo were made up on a whim I had that he liked me back. Yet having requited love no longer mattered from then on. No one really wants to face rejection, but if you've lived long enough, you'll realize pretending to be in love is far worse than spending your life alone.   
_  
I'll learn my lessons, and I'll make mistakes  
And if I get burned, it'll be my heart to break  
It isn't easy, hearing what they say  
Sometimes you've got to take a leap of faith  
  
_I've told no one. I can only imagine the responses I'd receive: people telling me I'm in a stage of my life, that I'm too dumb to know what bisexuality is, that it's just a phase, it'll pass. True love is _not _a phase. You can get over it, you can move on, but it stains. That was how my love for Kate was. Everytime I told myself it was silly, and it would eventually pass, it only returned again, but with more fervent passion, to make up for the time lost. It was a sick cycle, but I was addicted to it. I loved the thought of someone out there being so perfect for me so much, gender never seemed to matter.  
_  
'Cause it feels right  
And it feels good  
And I'm not gonna do something stupid  
Just this once, I wanna feel like  
I can do what I want when I hold tight  
  
_But I was so sick of sitting around and wishing on shooting stars for a miracle. I needed it to be requited. I'd never felt this way, so deep and lustful and in need of passion. Never with a boy had I so wanted to be liked. But how could I ever sway Kate's mind? She barely liked me as a person, but love? There was no way. Kate was everything an all-American girl should be: tall, blonde, blue-eyed, beautiful...straight. As much as I would cry over it, I could never change the fact that Kate would never see me any more than Lizzie McGuire, a quasi-friend, if at all. The more I thought about it, the more unlikely it became, the more ridiculous my wishes seemed. I couldn't wish for someone to be gay to satisfy my selfish little crush. So what do I do? Cry? Of course there would be others out there who could love me, and I know with time, I'd fall for them, too. But it just wasn't the same. And I couldn't leave it all behind me, not with feelings like these.  
_  
I don't wanna do right, I just want you tonight  
Not just only in my dreams  
Save my best behavior, for a little later  
'Cause I'm only 17  
Think I made my mind up, I got time to grow up  
Face responsibility  
Livin' in the moment, keepin' my heart open  
While I'm only 17  
Only 17  
  
_I had to do something about it. We were graduating in a few weeks, and with so little time to spare, I couldn't waste a precious second. Even if she says she's straight and nothing becomes of it, I'll sleep just a bit sounder knowing that I had no shot in the first place. Though I can't describe the pain, the mental hell I'll go through, when it all boils down to it, all that matters is what could've been. If I missed an opportunity for such love, I could never forgive myself. I will never regret something so much.   
  
I knew where Kate would be tonight. She went there every Saturday night. It couldn't have been a worse place to confess my undying love if it'd been planned that way. But I no longer cared. I abandoned my cares and maturity so long ago. All I wanted was to live in the here and now.   
  
_Anyone, who's ever been in love  
Has got to know  
What it means to have a dream  
And no one can say anything  
To change my mind, no, not this time  
  
_It was so tempting to speed down the main roads towards the club. But as my stereo blasted out sappy love songs, I couldn't help but be struck with overwhelming happiness. It hadn't occurred to me that in all the years I've loved Kate, I've never sat and been happy about it. There never seemed to be any reason to be happy about unrequited love. But knowing that I was heading towards, to be with her, even if only for a moment--it was ridiculous. But I loved every second of it.  
  
I entered the club quickly as fast-tempo dance music with vibrating bass met my ears. I searched all around the place...the bar, the dance floor, even around the masses of people who were just standing and socializing. The possibility that Kate didn't come tonight crossed my mind, but the thought was too dismal to consider. There was one place I hadn't checked yet, though: the bathroom. I waited in line for a while until I was there. Softly, I began to speak.  
  
  
  
A sniffle came from a nearby stall.   
  
My heart fluttered. She was here.  
  
She unlocked the stall door, and pushed it open, revealing herself. Her eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks were red. She wiped away stray tears but her mascara was still running. Her hair seemed a mess.   
  
He dumped me.  
_  
I don't wanna do right, I just want you tonight  
Not just only in my dreams  
Save my best behavior, for a little later  
'Cause I'm only 17  
  
_I don't know why she was opening up to me, but I knew exactly what she was talking about. She had been going out with this boy Jake for a few months. And obviously he'd just broken up with her. It was so like a braindead jock not to appreciate what he had. He had Kate Sanders, for God's sake. Why would anyone give that up?   
  
I'm...so sorry, Kate, I said, deeply sympathetic. If only she knew I could mend her heart so easily, so quickly.  
  
It's okay, McGuire, she said, flashing an unconvincing smile and wiping away more tears. Can we get out of here? she said, upon noticing people staring and waiting impatiently.  
  
  
  
I had my arm around her as we walked back out to my car. She was wearing a sleeveless top, and even with the humidity of the packed club, her skin was still so soft, so smooth. I don't know what prevented me from confessing everything in these seconds. I thought I had no time to spare, so why was I wasting what I had left?  
  
I opened the car door for her as she daintily sat down in the passenger's side. I got in on my side and closed the door. My heart was racing as the only sounds I heard was her breathing and my own. Was this the moment? Should I do it now? I couldn't wait for a response. I jumped right in and proclaimed this the moment anyway.  
  
Kate, I have something I think you should know, I said, feeling my own throat close up. I was never that good with words, but at the moment, I was doing even worse than usual. I think that I... All I wanted to say was that I had feelings for her. That's all. But sometimes, my mind wants otherwise.  
  
I leaned over, and smelled her floral perfume. But I had little time for her scent when my lips so casually met hers, warm and glossy. A heart attack didn't begin to describe what I felt when I finally felt her move...but not away. Towards me. Her lips moved in response to mine, until we were passionately kissing. Ecstasy came over me, my brain was melting down and I was enjoying every milisecond of it. I felt down her smooth bare arms as her hands were tangled in my hair. I couldn't believe it any of it--it was a dream, it had to be.  
  
But dreams never end this way.  
  
She broke away in the second in which I was happiest. I opened my eyes and she looked at me with not only fear, but disgust. As if I had been the only one who had done anything. Such disdain was in her eyes as she placed her hand on the car door handle and said, I can't fucking believe you._  
  
Think I made my mind up, I got time to grow up  
Face responsibility  
Livin' in the moment, keepin' my heart open  
While I'm only 17  
Only 17  
Baby, got time to grow up  
Cause I'm only 17  
  
_I drove home that night with thoughts of suicide floating in my head. I drove home that night as a lonely girl, destined to be with someone I don't truly love. I drove home that night with the taste of Kate's strawberry lip gloss still lingering on my lips. I drove home that night in silence, sans the sappy love songs. I drove home that night without requited love. But most importantly, as I drove home that night, I gained something, though I cannot begin to understand why: hope._  
_  
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[A/N: Nice, eh? I guess I'm insane, but that's part of my charm. It's 4 AM right now and the probability of my school closing today is about....slim to none. So I'll be in school in another 4 hours, yaaaay! I'm wasting my AOL time doing this so I'll shut up. Lemme know what you think: please review! Thanks!]


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